# 100% Legal Autozombification Elixir
#recipe #drugs #personal #fav

*The different bad flavors in this original cocktail cancel each other out if you get the ratios right. Recommended for consumption immediately before work starts at midnight.*

## Ingredients

- cup of coffee
- ~1/8 shot Everclear
- ? weed oil
- 1-2 Tbsp kratom powder
- dash maple syrup

## Instructions

1. Dissolve an indeterminate amount of weed oil into a small amount of Everclear.

2. Vigorously stir into cup of coffee with kratom.

3. If it makes you gag, add a little maple syrup. If it still makes you gag, there's nothing for it, just choke it down; there's no improving it

4. The caffeine in the coffee wakes you up right away while the small amount of alcohol takes the edge off the jitters. In concert they suppress your existential despair, mostly; the cool evening air, empty roads, and dark sky polish what's left into a beautiful melancholy.

5. Listen to the voice message your girlfriend left you. Listen to it again. This will all be worth it someday soon. Listen to "Career Boy" by Dorian Electra on repeat in the parking lot. This will all be worth it someday soon. Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not cry. This will all be worth it someday soon.

6. Walk into work. The kratom kicks in hard. The urge to run screaming from the building and never return is replaced by a pleasant itch, mild euphoria, and intense focus.

7. Get your assignments. The weed creeps up on you and imparts a giggly energy that helps you start off on the right foot with your coworkers instead of scaring them away with RBF. If you overdid it, you're paranoid as fuck, but at least you aren't wondering how your life came to this point.

8. Settle into the plateau. Stack boxes like a motherfucker. You are an expert in your field of stacking boxes. You are the universe experiencing itself as a retail worker. Between the itchy opiate buzz and stony brain fuzz, it's lunchtime before you know it.

9. Eat. The munchies should have kicked in enough and the kratom worn off enough that food is *amazing*. You've been doing this daily for long enough that now is a good time to redose on the kratom. *Resist at all cost the temptation to take anything else.*

10. Float through the rest of the day like a robot in the clouds. Is that mean old lady staring at you? No, definitely not, and even if she was, fuck her, your teammates like you and either can't tell or don't mind that you're both trans and very high. Are they all high too? You're pretty sure they aren't stealth trannies. Wow, you're so fucked up you're humming the horrible songs that loop every 90 minutes, yet you're completely functional. Maybe this is what work is like for normal people. Hang on, did that customer have a nazi tattoo? They never stay very long and the boss doesn't watch you much so you always get to shit-talk them. Would you look at that, the day's over!

11. Go to the other store for dinner ingredients. It's morning now and everyone is just waking up. They act like you're disheveled and gross because you're some kind of deranged drug addict and not because you just worked all night like a fine upstanding member of society. But you don't even care: you're *free*. Breeze in and out in about 20 seconds. Your time is yours again — no sense wasting it.

12. Take a shower. Pure bliss.

13. Just skip dinner and smoke a bowl if you want. You're so tired that making food sounds hard. Or pig out, you're all muscle now anyway. Remember to set your alarm before you collapse into bed. You gotta do this all again in... oh, just a few hours.